FML

Ok. Talk about taking a few steps backwards.
Let's see I'm gonna start fresh here- I joined the Air Force- surprise right. Well I came in at about 150 toward the end of April.. I gained like 12lb in basic-- some say muscle I say a pound is a pound... whatever.
Now I'm in tech school and gained another 15ish pounds!!!
All this hard work that it took to get me here has literally just gone out the friggin window.
I've cried an ASS LOAD no lies.
So I've hit the reset button. I'm going to attempt no gimics and do my weight watchers thing. It's so hard to fit in PT b/c my day is literally accounted for from 430am to 530pm... by the time night rolls around I'm so tired I can hardly think.
My mom and I are going to email each other our weights in the morning, I'm frightened because I feel like a fat cow. I guess I like it here that I can ramble on about my weight and noone reads it- well noone I know at least.
I'm hopeful this will help me stay accountable... blah

I want to cry.

Exploring

Another blog site. Tumblr. I like it.

I'm also exploring how far I can push this. If I can really fall down in weight.
I want to know if I continue to fast, and I drop the weight... will my skin go away?
How did I let myself get so fat?
Why would I let myself do that?
I guess that's why it's the past and I move forward.

Rut?

Is this a rut?
Am I depressed?
Just a bad day?

I should really be writing this all down.
All this BS running through my head.

I'll start with the whole metabolism thing.
Should I be freaked out that I could kill my metabolism permanently?
I'm kind of nervous but... well I love not eating.
I love that it saves money.
I love that I feel so good about myself if I can stay strong enough to get through.
I love the sense of control I have.
I love those bursts of "dizzy air" in my head when I stand or turn fast.
I love not having to go to the bathroom.. that's fuckin awesome.

I have a lot of fat to lose. I'll continue not eating. I read on one of those pro-ana sites about the kids in Africa do it, I should be able, too.

Ryan and I are talking actual marriage and wedding shit now. I need to get my fat ass down in weight before that.
I don't want a wedding. I hate being center of attention. I want court house style, vegas, elope.. something easy. Oh I'm not a planner either so just hurry and do it is easiest.
I think we're getting our license on Tuesday.

Love Life.

So Ryan and I haven't been the greatest lately.
I'd say it's basically my fault- I'll own up to it.
Basically I've been getting all wrapped up in the weight loss thing after starting boot camp back in October. Was gone a lot and he was to fend for himself when it came to dinner. Then I was getting tired, in turn got bitchy and annoyed. Now I have a second job that takes from us.
His testosterone levels are rock bottom so the sex is... well not regular. And I have needs goddammit!

A "couple-friend" we know split. They've been married for a couple few years maybe now and he moved out. It's a pretty fucked up situation. He works 2 jobs to support them while she didn't work but smoked pot all the time. He hated it. She finally got a job and only went part time! UNreal. The girl's a joke. She started losing weight and being super vocal about it- like posting losses on FB and her always going to Zumba. Sweet right? She's still fat- I think hovering the 190's. I'm not one to talk, I get that but I was fat at 190 too.

Anyway, my focus is on us. Our happiness, or at least his.
He's been there through all my shit and still puts up with it.
So basically I'm going to be the cute little perfect wife that I should be.
I will be a skinny hot bitch. (my second priority to him.. SKINNY)
I will cook dinner each night.
I will clean when I'm tired.
I will breath before I start bitching.
I will listen when he vents about work.
I will sit through a movie, even when my a-d-d is itching.
I will balance. I will find the balance.

I am in love with him. I can't be stupid enough to fuck with that can I?

Side note.. we need make up sex.
Hell I just need sex.
His levels are KILLING me.

Nives Darling

<3 her
I've just gotten an ass load of tips/info from a gal I work with. She's from Germany, super high fashion type woman.. in her day a smokin hottie. Anyway, people at work used to comment how she doesn't eat and is goofy about her weight. I've come to appreciate her. She always encouraged me along this weight loss marathon. Now that I'm starting to actually notice the 5lb here and there- so is she. She's been giving me tips on workouts to try at the health club (we go to the same chain- diff locations).
Today, I didn't wear my lab coat. I'm just in a shirt since all my clinics are closed for MLK it's a catch up day for me. So whatever people are like whoa you're still losing. It's like yep- get used to it, I will be for a while.

Anyway, Nives stands about 5'8 she said her low weight was 120. She didn't tell me how much she weighs now but she did say she's up.. she got rid of the clothes she got to fit in then. She wants to lose another 5-10lb.
Does she know I'm trying to be like her? Does she know any more than me attempting to lose the weight?
Whatever. She's happy for me. She does it. Not as intense but she wont eat carbs- only straight from the ground veggies and fruits. Lean protein only after a hard workout.

I was able to ask her questions about how she cooks for her husband and if he thinks it's weird she doesn't eat with him and where she finds the energy to get in the gym on days you're just so tired.

So happy I was able to talk to her and she was so open about the idea of me dropping 30 or more.
Everyone else thinks that sounds crazy.
I love that she's supportive of the idea.
<3

Cleanse.

I guess that's what this is called right?
Basically I rolled out of work pseudo early to hang with Mr Bud. We chilled on the couch with my heated blanket, Miss J, and Sex and the City.. he chewed a new bone.
I ate my apples and peanut butter then Ryan and I went to dinner- I felt so guilty about eating the fries and cheese curds I swallowed 6 pills that... well cleanse.
I'm feeling more and more empty. I'm loving it.
Water, tea- water, tea.

I work W tonight til 10, so that always helps from eating at night.
Night is the hardest- I want to binge.
Blah here's to making up for fucking fried food last night.

Working

Another day, another dollar right.
So I work solid next 14 days. If not one job the other or both.
Just as I was thinking of quitting this retail shit... They throw a paycheck at me. Bastards. So now I'm like work hungry. God I love money.
5 more hours of my 10 for today.

Restricting is working. It's fucking working awesome.
Here I was up from a drinking frenzy and I cut cut cut.... Vwahlah! Down today @ ww. So I'm at 157- @ 155 (or lower) for 6 weeks and it becomes free. I become lifetime. I'm cool with that! Then when I decide to do things correctly it'll be paid for :)

Ryan and I went to my fv Xmas party last night... He had a few, I drove.
We got home and he laid down. I crawled up next to him and we laid there for a while we listened to my music. He was all sweet how he was running his fingers across my skin. Kept going across my hips (I'm all excited for the bones to pop more). It was cute. I love him.
After, we hung w/miss J. And I didn't listen to her telling me how good everything would taste. She's such a brat.
I can't believe I went from being up like 1.4 on Wednesday to down 2.8 today. Granted I'm fuxking my metabolism... It's fine. I have ww to fall back on right?