To start.. shopping.
UGH! Why do I do this to myself every time?? Waiting til the last minute! I can't seem to figure it out I guess.
Whatever.
Okay, basically Christmas was awesome aside from my shopping frustrations.
I had Ryan's extended family on Saturday, without him! How did he weasel his way out? Work.
I bought tons of fruit and veggies- good thing because there wouldn't have been any.
TONS of goodies. His aunt got me these really pretty pearl earrings- just for fun to the women in the family. They're fake of course but still pretty!
Eve's night we went to Ryan's immediate family for gifts and dinner. That was fun.I got wasted off UV cake-- which happened to be a gift from the guy I work with! I don't even care that I was so drunk.
Gift list: Sex & the City series (yes whole series- so excited) then some small stuff- all of which I wanted, no complaints. The movie series was a definite hit for me though.
Although we got a pizza pan (no wholes- fuckin hate the wholes) but it's too big for our baby oven.
We got Ryan's sis/bro in law a blu-ray player with netflix capability. Their reaction was priceless- they didn't believe that was the gift, thought we were reusing the box. So cute.
Christmas day:
Had a thanksgiving meal with my family- grandma was in town so that was nice to see her. I was so hung over- preparing the meal sucked so bad, not to mention I over slept and booze was spewing out of my pores.
Gifts were nice.
Okay, here's the thing. I hate that everyone wants a list from me, then I'm not surprised or nearly excited. boo
It was a very merry Christmas, don't get me wrong. But I'm also in a hurry. It's like I have so much to say in so little time I have to sum it all up. ok bye!
Buddy bday
Wednesday
Stillll.
Seems to be working.
Down 2.4lb- I don't feel it though.
I just feel bloated to the moon.
I should post about happy xmas next
Ya, I'll do that.
Down 2.4lb- I don't feel it though.
I just feel bloated to the moon.
I should post about happy xmas next
Ya, I'll do that.
Tuesday
Eat less, lose more.
Simple right?
Then why is it so hard to just eat less, not at all, or if I insist on eating, why not raw veggies? Why are carbs always my craving?
So irritating.
Read this thing from dr oz though- something about cutting 500calories a day will lose 1lb per week... so if I cut more than that I should lose more than 1lb right?
Right.
Then why is it so hard to just eat less, not at all, or if I insist on eating, why not raw veggies? Why are carbs always my craving?
So irritating.
Read this thing from dr oz though- something about cutting 500calories a day will lose 1lb per week... so if I cut more than that I should lose more than 1lb right?
Right.
Monday
Xmas
Went well.
I hate bad food and drank a lot of booze.
Hopin to soak myself with water and concentrate on veggies today. My weigh in tomorrow morning will be ok?
Fuck I hate being fat.
I hate bad food and drank a lot of booze.
Hopin to soak myself with water and concentrate on veggies today. My weigh in tomorrow morning will be ok?
Fuck I hate being fat.
Friday
Fruit
Has been my lunch the last two days.
I need to really try hard to be at 155 by my birthday.. only 14lb left.
Then the end is nearrrrr.
Going out for drinks with the girls tonight.
Hoping me as DD will prevent me from screwing up drinks.
Guiness beer is only 126 calories per bottle.. hello new friend.
SO much to do for xmas- I need to stop procrastinating like I need to lose weight.
I need to really try hard to be at 155 by my birthday.. only 14lb left.
Then the end is nearrrrr.
Going out for drinks with the girls tonight.
Hoping me as DD will prevent me from screwing up drinks.
Guiness beer is only 126 calories per bottle.. hello new friend.
SO much to do for xmas- I need to stop procrastinating like I need to lose weight.
Tuesday
Tangent
I'm jumping on one, and going for a while.
1. I've been doing good with my restrictions, did eat a burger last night WITH fries. But I had 120c veggies for lunch then my bootcamp and then that burger- ugh. and was doing so well! whatever.
Been making up for it today by restricting. It's hard to skip lunch at work because I don't want ANYONE to think/catch on that I'm restricting. So I just try to eat small amounts and say I've been snacking all day.
It almost feels like a double life haha
2. Ryan put up the xmas tree when I was at the W on Sunday. Was a nice surprise to come home to.
It's hard I don't feel depressed but I feel like there's something wrong upstairs in my head.
It's like I know I love him, I know he loves me, I know every couple falls in and out of rough patches. But we never have sex, he always blames his testosterone levels and not being able to. I feel selfish for even thinking like this but, so many things he's been doing have been annoying me. I guess I'm just irritable.
3. I know me restricting have been paying off. I finally fell in to the 160's.. well barely! But technically still there. God that still sounds so gross when I read other people struggling in the 100's and 110's. Anyway, my nurses have noticed. I've been getting A LOT of questions about what am I doing and stuff. Thank god I've been doing ww so I have something to lean on. My famous words: "Oh, I do weight watchers" hahah those fools.
4. I like MJ way too much. This can't be healthy. But it's probably fine ;)
Sunday
No Taste.
Ryans grandma (dads) is in the hospital. Left work early Thursday to go see her. She's in bad shape. It was really sad. Myself I don't know her but twice but I held her hand and rubbed it. I felt like I know her, maybe just reminds me of my grandpa.
Came to find out tonight that she has no taste, hasn't for like 2 years or so.
Now that she's sick she really doesn't eat. Since it's been gone she'd literally eat as a survival. Now that she's giving up, "ready to go to heaven" as she officially said- she cut eating off all together.
Now.. To turn this. If she can eat as a strictly survival tool, why can't I? Why do I insist on eating for no good reasons.
I'll chat more about my feelings on her being so cool with dying. It really creeps me out, maybe it comes with old age.
Moral of the story, maybe fasting for survival would be easier of I couldn't taste?
Came to find out tonight that she has no taste, hasn't for like 2 years or so.
Now that she's sick she really doesn't eat. Since it's been gone she'd literally eat as a survival. Now that she's giving up, "ready to go to heaven" as she officially said- she cut eating off all together.
Now.. To turn this. If she can eat as a strictly survival tool, why can't I? Why do I insist on eating for no good reasons.
I'll chat more about my feelings on her being so cool with dying. It really creeps me out, maybe it comes with old age.
Moral of the story, maybe fasting for survival would be easier of I couldn't taste?
Wow
I'm full of big plans and full of no action!
1 c chilli
2 bites burger (Ryans)
2 fries (Ryans)
3 chicken nuggets
1 bite chicken sandwich (Ryans)
1/2 btl wine
Water. Sleep.
Tomorrow:
Weigh & workout @ lifetime.
Weigh @ ww.
Work @ wag 10-8
Game plan? Fast.
Need a jump start to my 'See Hips' campaign 2012.
God help me.
1 c chilli
2 bites burger (Ryans)
2 fries (Ryans)
3 chicken nuggets
1 bite chicken sandwich (Ryans)
1/2 btl wine
Water. Sleep.
Tomorrow:
Weigh & workout @ lifetime.
Weigh @ ww.
Work @ wag 10-8
Game plan? Fast.
Need a jump start to my 'See Hips' campaign 2012.
God help me.
Saturday
Time
To set more time aside for this blog. I cannot believe how busy I've been lately! I have so much to say but too lazy to say it all from my phone's blog publisher- I need to type out tomorrow.
Feeling bloated and tired. I need to get my butt in gear at the gym- that's prob why I'm so crabby tired and fat. Ugh
Feeling bloated and tired. I need to get my butt in gear at the gym- that's prob why I'm so crabby tired and fat. Ugh
Thursday
Tuesday
Irritated.
With Ryan.
Yes I've been home less than usual. Yes he's been home alone more than usual.
Learn to deal.
How annoying is that- I picked up a second job so we have extra money. But then he constantly makes remarks about me not being home. God I'm annoyed.
Side note:
My intake has had control today. I've been getting more and more compliments about slimming down. Now that people are noticing I can't stop now.
More. More. MORE.
Boot camp tonight.
God this class will suck, the last class I went to was a week ago... Fuck me.
OH! And get this, I have to go to Ryan's sister's place after work to pick up the info needed for the computer battery.
Happy face. Happy face. Just look happy today.
Yes I've been home less than usual. Yes he's been home alone more than usual.
Learn to deal.
How annoying is that- I picked up a second job so we have extra money. But then he constantly makes remarks about me not being home. God I'm annoyed.
Side note:
My intake has had control today. I've been getting more and more compliments about slimming down. Now that people are noticing I can't stop now.
More. More. MORE.
Boot camp tonight.
God this class will suck, the last class I went to was a week ago... Fuck me.
OH! And get this, I have to go to Ryan's sister's place after work to pick up the info needed for the computer battery.
Happy face. Happy face. Just look happy today.
Monday
Embarassed
BUT not going to go in to detail.
Binged yesterday... hard.
I'm leaving it at that and moving forward.
Had a veggie bowl this afternoon for lunch (120 calories).
Game plan to continue restricting intake- oh and doing stair master tonight.
Ryan's off all week- good for Buddy, bad for me. My whole routine gets set off wack when he's under my feet. I feel bad for him though. His best friend moved back to Colorado on Saturday. Ryan's practically friend-less now. They always hung out, Ry's in the dumps about it.
Lucky for Buddy though, he'll have someone to hang out with all week. A napping partner.
Side frustration: HATE our xmas cards. So the pic is great (all thanks to Patrick Nau photography) but the card template I originally picked out was for a horizontal pic- he had called me to say I needed a vert one. Ok right? Ya all is fine and dandy except I had to let him (the photographer) make that call and I disagree. Hate the cards. Like I said, I love the pic, but the msg and coloring looks like poo-dank. I'm contemplating cutting the pick off each card (top half of the card) and shoving it in cards and sending cards with side pics... ugh whatever.
Officially on the schedule to start Sunday of this week for my second job. Invested my ass in some scrubs too. I hope my scrubs are too big for me soon.
Binged yesterday... hard.
I'm leaving it at that and moving forward.
Had a veggie bowl this afternoon for lunch (120 calories).
Game plan to continue restricting intake- oh and doing stair master tonight.
Ryan's off all week- good for Buddy, bad for me. My whole routine gets set off wack when he's under my feet. I feel bad for him though. His best friend moved back to Colorado on Saturday. Ryan's practically friend-less now. They always hung out, Ry's in the dumps about it.
Lucky for Buddy though, he'll have someone to hang out with all week. A napping partner.
Side frustration: HATE our xmas cards. So the pic is great (all thanks to Patrick Nau photography) but the card template I originally picked out was for a horizontal pic- he had called me to say I needed a vert one. Ok right? Ya all is fine and dandy except I had to let him (the photographer) make that call and I disagree. Hate the cards. Like I said, I love the pic, but the msg and coloring looks like poo-dank. I'm contemplating cutting the pick off each card (top half of the card) and shoving it in cards and sending cards with side pics... ugh whatever.
Officially on the schedule to start Sunday of this week for my second job. Invested my ass in some scrubs too. I hope my scrubs are too big for me soon.
Friday
Win
Last night was a win, for me!
Ok so first, I'd like to say I restricted very well during the day!
But ok I had to dog sit last night for the in-laws. I knew about this, didn't foresee problems. Mostly correct. Since I did so good with intake restricting, I thought oh hell a beer or two is allowed... right? I had like 3 but man was I feeling 'em since I hadn't eaten. Then Ryan came, brought Miss J, and we had a good ole fashion week night party. I didn't even binge. Vwah-Lah! ;-)
One of the dogs spilled what would have been my fourth beer... dam tail. Oh did I mention the one beer was spilled onto a pillow laying on the couch next to the end table? Ooops.
Poor Buddy slept like crap I think- he doesn't like not being in his own home (well or grandma/grandpa's).
Come to think of it, so did I. Stupid couch.
Staying at my parents' tonight to finish laundry (yes for free) and go to wi with my mom at ww in the am. Or so that's the plan- I've got plans to go to an xmas party tomorrow night (saturday) so my wi on sunday morning will just make me cry so I wanted a slightly more accurate wi = tomorrow.
Anyway, the "win" I was trying to get to... didn't binge with Miss J... Oh the love/hate relationship I have with her. Bitch.
Ok so first, I'd like to say I restricted very well during the day!
But ok I had to dog sit last night for the in-laws. I knew about this, didn't foresee problems. Mostly correct. Since I did so good with intake restricting, I thought oh hell a beer or two is allowed... right? I had like 3 but man was I feeling 'em since I hadn't eaten. Then Ryan came, brought Miss J, and we had a good ole fashion week night party. I didn't even binge. Vwah-Lah! ;-)
One of the dogs spilled what would have been my fourth beer... dam tail. Oh did I mention the one beer was spilled onto a pillow laying on the couch next to the end table? Ooops.
Poor Buddy slept like crap I think- he doesn't like not being in his own home (well or grandma/grandpa's).
Come to think of it, so did I. Stupid couch.
Staying at my parents' tonight to finish laundry (yes for free) and go to wi with my mom at ww in the am. Or so that's the plan- I've got plans to go to an xmas party tomorrow night (saturday) so my wi on sunday morning will just make me cry so I wanted a slightly more accurate wi = tomorrow.
Anyway, the "win" I was trying to get to... didn't binge with Miss J... Oh the love/hate relationship I have with her. Bitch.
Thursday
Heart
Mamasita is getting some tests done for her heart right now. I brought her so I'm just in the waiting room... Of a competitor.. Well per hospital systems. This place is nice though not gonna lie.
Trying to figure out how I can make my boot camp tonight. Hoping Ryan gets off in time to hang out with the dogs.
I need to go to class tonight or tomorrow morning. I've been binging so bad at night after a smoke session. I need to stop. It's a goddam broken record- me going on about what needs to be done when I'm like doing nothing to achieve it. Fuck.
B: tea
S: water
L: veggie bowl (120) peaches cup (40)
S: water
D: water
Well my plan is water but I'll let a yogurt go down. BUT if I have my workout tonight I'll scarf something down so I survive class. Tuna?
I'm ready to be skinny. I'm sick of waiting. I read someone's blog yesterday and this girl lost 2lb a day! That needs to happen to me!
Trying to figure out how I can make my boot camp tonight. Hoping Ryan gets off in time to hang out with the dogs.
I need to go to class tonight or tomorrow morning. I've been binging so bad at night after a smoke session. I need to stop. It's a goddam broken record- me going on about what needs to be done when I'm like doing nothing to achieve it. Fuck.
B: tea
S: water
L: veggie bowl (120) peaches cup (40)
S: water
D: water
Well my plan is water but I'll let a yogurt go down. BUT if I have my workout tonight I'll scarf something down so I survive class. Tuna?
I'm ready to be skinny. I'm sick of waiting. I read someone's blog yesterday and this girl lost 2lb a day! That needs to happen to me!
Wednesday
Confession
From the weekend.
Saturday: worked 10hr day- had v8 and banana... Ryan and I hung with MJ- so instead of eating I tried to drink my urges with beer... partially worked but not really. Ate like 3 moz stix, a couple fish stix and some fries.
Sunday: Gained 3lb at my weight watchers w/i... AWESOME!
Then I was in the sky with Ryan & MJ early Sunday-- I really ate bad Sunday. Ice cream & frozen pizza. No gym.
God I'm pissed at myself.
Fun note: Ryan went to pick Buster up from my parents in the snow storm so I didn't have to make the hike.
<3 that man.
Saturday: worked 10hr day- had v8 and banana... Ryan and I hung with MJ- so instead of eating I tried to drink my urges with beer... partially worked but not really. Ate like 3 moz stix, a couple fish stix and some fries.
Sunday: Gained 3lb at my weight watchers w/i... AWESOME!
Then I was in the sky with Ryan & MJ early Sunday-- I really ate bad Sunday. Ice cream & frozen pizza. No gym.
God I'm pissed at myself.
Fun note: Ryan went to pick Buster up from my parents in the snow storm so I didn't have to make the hike.
<3 that man.
So Sore.
From boot camp.
Monday's are lower body/legs and Tuesday/Wednesday classes are upper body/arms then Thursday/Friday classes will be total body conditioning.
Sounds great right?
Ugh so sore I stretched soooo much too so I can't imagine how sore I'd be if I skipped out on stretches and walking (slow, to move the lactic acid in the muscles).
I feel like a 90y/o woman all slow and achy!
And of course both nights I binged on food. Needed fuel... bad fuel of course to really stir the "feel like shit" pot (as in kettle!)
Today's plan.
B: Chocolate kiss (mint-- worth it ;)
S: 0
L: Tuna (100cal?)
S: Yogurt (70cal)
D: Skip if possible.. if not I'll come up with something very low cal.
Monday
Almost
Almost got a good day in- yogurt tuna v8 boot camp workout. Boom just water then bed. Nope I just ate 2 huge Perkins muffins. So ashamed. I need to put MJ away for a long long time.
Gym tomorrow morning and boot camp night. I'm weighing tomorrow morning. We'll see that goes. Fuck I hate when I do that stupid shit.
Update: my w/i went horrible with those muffins sitting my tummy.. :(
Gym tomorrow morning and boot camp night. I'm weighing tomorrow morning. We'll see that goes. Fuck I hate when I do that stupid shit.
Update: my w/i went horrible with those muffins sitting my tummy.. :(
Friday
Pharmer Addict
Walgreens PT pharm
Ok ok I take a drug test. Find out I pass (last night). I accept job today. I start at 9am tomorrow.
Awesome, yay for second job!
But kind of nerve wracking.
Buddy will be with grandma & grandpa all day tomorrow.. Yes my first day will be a 10hr day. Sweet.
Ok ok I take a drug test. Find out I pass (last night). I accept job today. I start at 9am tomorrow.
Awesome, yay for second job!
But kind of nerve wracking.
Buddy will be with grandma & grandpa all day tomorrow.. Yes my first day will be a 10hr day. Sweet.
Ew
I puked.
Ate too much at dinner (rotisserie chicken- hard not to!)
Ya whatever ok I felt gross and ok.
Haven't P'd in a while but that went off rather swiftly. I'll keep that in mind.
Ate too much at dinner (rotisserie chicken- hard not to!)
Ya whatever ok I felt gross and ok.
Haven't P'd in a while but that went off rather swiftly. I'll keep that in mind.
Thursday
Correct-a-mundo!
Yeppers had too much sodium filled pasta riff raff last night. I feel like a fat little fatty fatso.
Water water water. Flush flush flush.
Water water water. Flush flush flush.
Wednesday
Nerves
Are setting in.
I'm nervous cuz I felt like I couldn't get full today, I just kept eating.
Fuck fuck.
Side note:
Buddy came with to Costco for gas and he wouldn't stop starring at her (laughed at him, cute eh) fog on window and all.
Tonight.. He has NOT quit barking= hard night for patience!
I'm nervous cuz I felt like I couldn't get full today, I just kept eating.
Fuck fuck.
Side note:
Buddy came with to Costco for gas and he wouldn't stop starring at her (laughed at him, cute eh) fog on window and all.
Tonight.. He has NOT quit barking= hard night for patience!
Tuesday
Rough Run
Holy Hell.
Had check out today in boot camp- 5k run, 2 mile bike and 250m row. It was... well seemed harder than check in but somehow managed to do better.... what the..-
So ok my speed was higher but it just seemed harder- like not my legs, not my heart.. my fricken brain. I got this raging headache about a mile and a half in and it was hard to focus on not falling ha. God I felt like a fail.
Hopped on the scale after.. w/jeans and it's saying 175.6 so I'm not going to eat tonight. If that's what I weigh after burning 640 calories then I'm not on track for a good week. I'm going to officially hop on tomorrow morning in scrubs and in the a.m. to shoot for an accurate reading haha.
Ryan and I went to pick up our good friend Mary.. Jane, last night. Ryan and her chilled last night as I crashed. I felt like crap this morning when I woke up.. so I called in. I took a short nap, ran over to get the paper work for a piss test to get this second job- the clinic I went to was a total joke- over an hour wait! boo
Well, now that that's done I'm free to befriend Mary again- we had a 5 week falling out.
After that super shitty workout and this brain ache I'm thinking we're gonna go ahead and chill tonight actually.
Had check out today in boot camp- 5k run, 2 mile bike and 250m row. It was... well seemed harder than check in but somehow managed to do better.... what the..-
So ok my speed was higher but it just seemed harder- like not my legs, not my heart.. my fricken brain. I got this raging headache about a mile and a half in and it was hard to focus on not falling ha. God I felt like a fail.
Hopped on the scale after.. w/jeans and it's saying 175.6 so I'm not going to eat tonight. If that's what I weigh after burning 640 calories then I'm not on track for a good week. I'm going to officially hop on tomorrow morning in scrubs and in the a.m. to shoot for an accurate reading haha.
Ryan and I went to pick up our good friend Mary.. Jane, last night. Ryan and her chilled last night as I crashed. I felt like crap this morning when I woke up.. so I called in. I took a short nap, ran over to get the paper work for a piss test to get this second job- the clinic I went to was a total joke- over an hour wait! boo
Well, now that that's done I'm free to befriend Mary again- we had a 5 week falling out.
After that super shitty workout and this brain ache I'm thinking we're gonna go ahead and chill tonight actually.
Monday
Rolling
My emotions in a joint and lightin that bitch up.
Ok here's the deal, my ww leader that weighed me in yesterday started drilling Qs at me since I've been "losing too fast' or some shit. Is that even real? Nope not in my book so back the fuck off.
Am I supposed to appologize?
I'm 22 (a friggin clear-all for fast weight loss) I'm learned to manage my self control and maintain my motivation. I trick my body in my workouts so it continues coming off. I still have a shit ton to lose => just comes off easier. I cut booze (to a scary restriction I may add) almost completely.
Just pisses me off.
So that's one of my tools for motivation. Meetings, someone ELSE weighing me in. Now I'm going to try to trick the system by wearing jeans and drink an ass load of water prior.
I need to convert to the scale at the gym. There's always bitches in the hot tub (anyone sitting in there has a perfect view to the scale reading) maybe I can start using that as my motivation?
Fuckin ww.. piss me off.
P.s. I'm so fired up when I wrote this, straight up choosing not to proof read. So there.
Ok here's the deal, my ww leader that weighed me in yesterday started drilling Qs at me since I've been "losing too fast' or some shit. Is that even real? Nope not in my book so back the fuck off.
Am I supposed to appologize?
I'm 22 (a friggin clear-all for fast weight loss) I'm learned to manage my self control and maintain my motivation. I trick my body in my workouts so it continues coming off. I still have a shit ton to lose => just comes off easier. I cut booze (to a scary restriction I may add) almost completely.
Just pisses me off.
So that's one of my tools for motivation. Meetings, someone ELSE weighing me in. Now I'm going to try to trick the system by wearing jeans and drink an ass load of water prior.
I need to convert to the scale at the gym. There's always bitches in the hot tub (anyone sitting in there has a perfect view to the scale reading) maybe I can start using that as my motivation?
Fuckin ww.. piss me off.
P.s. I'm so fired up when I wrote this, straight up choosing not to proof read. So there.
Thankful
For weight watchers. For jumping my loss into gear and getting my to my first 75lb loss.
I'm thankful for the burst of self control that has taken over.
I'm thankful for the support Ryan gives me to continue on.
I'm thankful for my wonderful mother that is my crutch when I'm ready to cripple over in frustration.
I'm thankful for the heart God gave me. Still ticking at 250lb, and with standing my workouts when it likely wanted to just quit. Don't worry heart, I will take care of you.
Thank you.
Oh and you know what, even with thanksgiving in there, still lost 2lb this week!
I'm thankful for the burst of self control that has taken over.
I'm thankful for the support Ryan gives me to continue on.
I'm thankful for my wonderful mother that is my crutch when I'm ready to cripple over in frustration.
I'm thankful for the heart God gave me. Still ticking at 250lb, and with standing my workouts when it likely wanted to just quit. Don't worry heart, I will take care of you.
Thank you.
Oh and you know what, even with thanksgiving in there, still lost 2lb this week!
Saturday
Nervous
About weigh in tomorrow morning. With thanksgiving and just blowing it this week I have a pit in my stomach that I gained- so I've really watched food intake today... Good god we'll see in 12 hrs... Hello Benadryl- Nyquil cocktail.
Thursday
Thanksgiving
Fuck this holiday.
Well, fuck food.
Over ate, feel like shit, tired.
I'm ready for morning so I can hit the gym (closed @ 11 this morning until tomo) and get back to normal.
Ps thankful for family, friends, health and life. <3 Ryan & Buddy, so thankful for them!
Well, fuck food.
Over ate, feel like shit, tired.
I'm ready for morning so I can hit the gym (closed @ 11 this morning until tomo) and get back to normal.
Ps thankful for family, friends, health and life. <3 Ryan & Buddy, so thankful for them!
Wednesday
Fucking Medal
I should get a fucking medal that is.
Someone brought this cake in to work that is from a mom-&-pop bakery.
Basically it's fantastic but I held what little self control I own to walk away.
I'm still thinking about it though.
Fuck you stupid cake.
Someone brought this cake in to work that is from a mom-&-pop bakery.
Basically it's fantastic but I held what little self control I own to walk away.
I'm still thinking about it though.
Fuck you stupid cake.
Oh the possibilites..
Skimming through blogs and came across these pics... man it IS possible!
Pre-
& Post-
Well to kick off my day I hit the gym for a 460 calorie burn.. not the greatest but it'll do when I easily could have kept sleeping... ugh!
Why did I have to let myself get fat?
Stupid. Stupid. S.T.U.P.I.D.
Pre-
& Post-
Well to kick off my day I hit the gym for a 460 calorie burn.. not the greatest but it'll do when I easily could have kept sleeping... ugh!
Why did I have to let myself get fat?
Stupid. Stupid. S.T.U.P.I.D.
Corey Taylor
Concert tonight- acoustic! Was so fun plus took my mind off snacking. I like to think I did well today: yogurt, v8, 4 chkn wings (breaded... Oops) and a fiberone brownie. Was so busy at work (surprise surprise.. No seriously). Skipped out on gym tho so up early for it tomo! 4-5 hr sleep starting.... NOW!
Monday
Epiphany?
Perhaps..
So I've decided I need to jump start my metabolism. No more being stupid with not eating. Well that's a lie, I will limit my intake. Basically, ww got me here, I need to trust the system. I need to trust that they got me here, they will get me to 134 or lower. It's all about eating correctly and exercise right?
Points points points..
Ok.
Breakfast: String cheese (2) (plus 2 fishoil caps, 2 prenatals, 1 biotin)
Snack0 (oops.. :-/ )
Lunch: GG veggie bowl steamer (3)
Snack: yogurt
Snack: v8
Dinner: ?? I haven't decided, I need to decide because he will just want to go out- I'm thinking enchiladas actually- easy, filling, he'll have left overs. bingo! Plus then it wont be so weird if I eat something on my own time- something low points.
So I've decided I need to jump start my metabolism. No more being stupid with not eating. Well that's a lie, I will limit my intake. Basically, ww got me here, I need to trust the system. I need to trust that they got me here, they will get me to 134 or lower. It's all about eating correctly and exercise right?
Points points points..
Ok.
Breakfast: String cheese (2) (plus 2 fishoil caps, 2 prenatals, 1 biotin)
Snack
Lunch: GG veggie bowl steamer (3)
Snack: yogurt
Snack: v8
Dinner: ?? I haven't decided, I need to decide because he will just want to go out- I'm thinking enchiladas actually- easy, filling, he'll have left overs. bingo! Plus then it wont be so weird if I eat something on my own time- something low points.
Sunday
Five-Oh
Todayyy..
I got up today feeling so shakey and nauseous but I can't imagine it'd be from not eating. I only say that because I did eat yesterday. Not a lot but still. It was pretty weird. I got up anyway and went to meeting- down 5lb! I was so HAPPY! brought me down to 174- not 175, but 174. That's 51 since May & 76 since my highest point.
Anyway, Ry and I ALWAYS go to brunch on Sundays after my meeting. It's just what we do- I had a cup of chicken chili a couple bites of his omelet.. and 3, yes 3 screw drives... vitamin c right?
Then we just went to his sister's place to see her new cat (2nd) god cats are annoying. In fact, she and her husband kind of are too so it was a long 2 hours. Ryan wanted dairy queen so I got that mini mint oreo- my absolute fav- had some tuna... I'll need to make sure I DEFINITELY go to the gym in the morning.
I would just love to have a high loss again- they get suspicious at meeting though if someone loses too fast- whatever. I don't own a scale- I guess I could start using the scale at the gym. The meetings are so helpful for support though and keep me focused on food choices.
So friggen cold- I hate minnesota. I never used to, apparently I had enough fat to help insulate. Found out last night Ryan's best friend is moving to Colorado. Ryan's bummin, in fact so am I. :(
I got up today feeling so shakey and nauseous but I can't imagine it'd be from not eating. I only say that because I did eat yesterday. Not a lot but still. It was pretty weird. I got up anyway and went to meeting- down 5lb! I was so HAPPY! brought me down to 174- not 175, but 174. That's 51 since May & 76 since my highest point.
Anyway, Ry and I ALWAYS go to brunch on Sundays after my meeting. It's just what we do- I had a cup of chicken chili a couple bites of his omelet.. and 3, yes 3 screw drives... vitamin c right?
Then we just went to his sister's place to see her new cat (2nd) god cats are annoying. In fact, she and her husband kind of are too so it was a long 2 hours. Ryan wanted dairy queen so I got that mini mint oreo- my absolute fav- had some tuna... I'll need to make sure I DEFINITELY go to the gym in the morning.
I would just love to have a high loss again- they get suspicious at meeting though if someone loses too fast- whatever. I don't own a scale- I guess I could start using the scale at the gym. The meetings are so helpful for support though and keep me focused on food choices.
So friggen cold- I hate minnesota. I never used to, apparently I had enough fat to help insulate. Found out last night Ryan's best friend is moving to Colorado. Ryan's bummin, in fact so am I. :(
Saturday
Good day.
It was a good day today!
First, I have to tell a short story, a cute one.
Ryan went to bed early, I stayed up reading. When I finally went in to bed I crawled in and he, out of nowhere like woke up and was all "lovey" kissing and wrapping his arms around me- it's super out of character. I was like umm are you asleep? haha. He was said "I just love you". Thought that was so cute. I like to wish he'd be like that more often but I know expectations like that are unrealistic. His testosterone levels are so high-low depending on when we give the shot. yadda yadda.
Ok so didn't fuck up eats yesterday too bad, dinner with g-parents was ok. It was pizza (I knew going in) but it was the cute company MN produced (grandparents are obsessed w/). Anyway Ry's sis and husband were there too (surprise to me). I don't see them much- even thought I should. They said just as I figured, "you're sure losing weight" "getting tiny" blah blah. Don't humor me, I know I'm not tiny, I know I am losing weight. It's not good enough, I want tiny, that's what I'm striving for.
Whatever I had a slice of pizza, could I not- didn't know it was going to be a fucking crowd over there.
This morning Ryan asked what I stayed up reading. I explained the blogs I've been reading -well partial truth- "weight struggles" mwuahaha ;-) Anyway, I went on to say I want my hip bones to pop. I want to feel comfortable in cute shirts, no muffin tops but tight jeans. There's so much I want, and honestly I think I've always wanted this but always thought it'd never happen for me.
Wrong.
It's going to.
It will for this girl right here.
Killer workout in boot camp this morning. Trainer asked how much weight I've lost since starting (oct 1st) he said it's noticeable in my face and neck... thanks? ya no it's good, I shouldn't be so dam negative but I want smallER.
Ate good... v8, 3 ritz crackers (~100) pre workout; 1/2 flat bread (55), string cheese (50). Very little actually now that I see it written out- BUT I'm a big girl, my body will feed on the fat.
P.s. Nice thought: Ryan loved me through my fattest. Greatest love ever. :-)
First, I have to tell a short story, a cute one.
Ryan went to bed early, I stayed up reading. When I finally went in to bed I crawled in and he, out of nowhere like woke up and was all "lovey" kissing and wrapping his arms around me- it's super out of character. I was like umm are you asleep? haha. He was said "I just love you". Thought that was so cute. I like to wish he'd be like that more often but I know expectations like that are unrealistic. His testosterone levels are so high-low depending on when we give the shot. yadda yadda.
Ok so didn't fuck up eats yesterday too bad, dinner with g-parents was ok. It was pizza (I knew going in) but it was the cute company MN produced (grandparents are obsessed w/). Anyway Ry's sis and husband were there too (surprise to me). I don't see them much- even thought I should. They said just as I figured, "you're sure losing weight" "getting tiny" blah blah. Don't humor me, I know I'm not tiny, I know I am losing weight. It's not good enough, I want tiny, that's what I'm striving for.
Whatever I had a slice of pizza, could I not- didn't know it was going to be a fucking crowd over there.
This morning Ryan asked what I stayed up reading. I explained the blogs I've been reading -well partial truth- "weight struggles" mwuahaha ;-) Anyway, I went on to say I want my hip bones to pop. I want to feel comfortable in cute shirts, no muffin tops but tight jeans. There's so much I want, and honestly I think I've always wanted this but always thought it'd never happen for me.
Wrong.
It's going to.
It will for this girl right here.
Killer workout in boot camp this morning. Trainer asked how much weight I've lost since starting (oct 1st) he said it's noticeable in my face and neck... thanks? ya no it's good, I shouldn't be so dam negative but I want smallER.
Ate good... v8, 3 ritz crackers (~100) pre workout; 1/2 flat bread (55), string cheese (50). Very little actually now that I see it written out- BUT I'm a big girl, my body will feed on the fat.
P.s. Nice thought: Ryan loved me through my fattest. Greatest love ever. :-)
Friday
Thinspired?
Just yesterday I started reading a load of blogs of the thin. God how I wish I could be there. It's so motivating and inspiring.
Can this be me please?
I can't believe how much weight I have to lose before I can even been seen realistically as someone attempting Ana. It's going to be so gross when I finally do get down. I will have nasty, ishy skin. It will be so gross.
Anyway, I'm going to keep trying. Stop eating. Cut every calorie I can come up with. God I hate Thanksgiving. It's gonna be a test for sure. It's like something come over me, food is my drug. I binge like a monster, at the time I think "oh it'll be fine I don't care I just want it so bad" then I get done, I'm fucking pissed. Just PISSED. I've purged here and there, but Ryan gets so mad about it. I can't let him know, he doesn't want anything to happen... blah blah. I want to be thin so bad, why does this take so long!?
Heavy boot camp tomorrow, must sleep early before morning class.
Can this be me please?
I can't believe how much weight I have to lose before I can even been seen realistically as someone attempting Ana. It's going to be so gross when I finally do get down. I will have nasty, ishy skin. It will be so gross.
Anyway, I'm going to keep trying. Stop eating. Cut every calorie I can come up with. God I hate Thanksgiving. It's gonna be a test for sure. It's like something come over me, food is my drug. I binge like a monster, at the time I think "oh it'll be fine I don't care I just want it so bad" then I get done, I'm fucking pissed. Just PISSED. I've purged here and there, but Ryan gets so mad about it. I can't let him know, he doesn't want anything to happen... blah blah. I want to be thin so bad, why does this take so long!?
Heavy boot camp tomorrow, must sleep early before morning class.
Today.
Is Friday. FRIDAY! Right? Just doesn’t seem like Friday today. My boot camp classes make time fly so fast. Speak of the devil, I signed up last night to a locked in $125/mo for 12 months- thank lordy! I need these classes, I look forward to my class. Who would have guessed I like to push my body? I never did sports or anything growing up, guess I didn’t know what I was missing. Ryan was ok with letting my sign up for a year, being he signed up for the gym and a monthly trainer and never went… for 7 months. Rip off! Ugh whatever, he’s maintained his weight so I’m proud of him.
Ryan and I have had some rough patches here and there. I get so annoyed with him I look for ways to escape- go to my parents, take buddy for a walk.. a long long walk. Now that it’s getting so cold I haven’t been walking far with Buddy, he gets cold, and I get colder!
I was reading other people’s blog today, so inspiring to stay focused. I badly want to be thin, I’ve never been thin. My family is not thin, Ryan’s family is not thin. I want that, that’s what I want.
Thin thin thin.
Ryan and I are going to have pizza with his grandparents today, his mom said grandma doesn’t look good. She was recently in the hospital. I love that old woman as if she was my own grandmother, if/when she does die, it will just kill Ryan. He loves her to death.
My food today:
Yogurt (70)
3 quakes (25)
Plan… veggie bowl (90)
Flat bread (110)
And #1 slice pizza.. ugh! That’s ok I should be able to burn that off at the gym either later tonight or tomorrow am for sure.
I don’t own a scale (thank god) and my locker at the gym in downstairs- the scale is upstairs. I have weight watchers meetings to give me good/bad news. I really enjoy my weight watchers meetings, it’s like everyone has the same food problems and I do- but I feel I’ve got a hold on how to manage those problems… don’t eat em. Easy as that right? as long as I can stay head strong. My leader isn’t suspicious of my non-eating habits lately because I keep telling her my boot camp class is always tricking my body, I’m only 22 I lose weight fast- that kind of thing. I mean now that I feel so knowledgable about weight watchers and what they teach you, I try to act like I know what to do- which I do know what to do. I just choose not to, I think not eating so much will help me lose faster. I’m winning ;)
As I continue rambling about anything/everything.
I just want to say, I am really in love with my “soul-mate” as cliché as that sounds. We have our ups and downs like anyone. He really gets me though, I can’t imagine someone else would ever be so perfect for me. that stupid saying “he’s not perfect but he’s perfect for me” yup- that’s him.
He doesn’t like to talk about his feelings, but I know. He occasionally says things like “I don’t like to be verbal about it but I do love you, even if I don’t show it or say it”. It bothers me that he doesn’t say he loves me often, I don’t want to sound needy but I do LIKE to hear it. Like every girl.
I love that man. I want to be the girl he’s happy to show off (ei: smoking hot body!)
Thursday
Number One. Lose it fatty.
Well here it is, the blog I keep thinking I need to tell what I think and vent- rather than venting and blowing to whoever else.
Basically at this point I've lost 70ish pounds- I hate to sound like I don't know where I came come… but seriously how did I let myself get to that point?
I "do weight watchers" when really I try to just eat small amounts, drink booze, and workout. The more I workout, the more I LOVE it. It's a boot camp class I do 3 times a week and then I try to do cardio 2-3 additional days. I love how my heart pumps the blood, I get tired, but feel so good after. Endorphins? Yes, I'll have a double shot of that please.
Everyone always asks "what do you do" blah blah- I hate that people notice. I mean it's good but I hate attention, and explaining it all the time. Hopefully now that I've done it a lot I won't have to much longer, they'll all kind of know I'm doing. Explanation can be over soon.
A friend of mine used to be relatively over weight like me, then she went off to college, I went, we came back at xmas and the girl had dropped like 30lb. A mutual friend told me she decided to only eat #1 pack ramon noodles and then booze it up. Valid I would say, she looks AMAZING. I did let that be my 'ah-ha' moment, I let the weight keep packing on. I met Ryan (my now fiance), he loves to eat. Basically I hit 250lb before joining ww.
I legitimately followed the program, started dropping the weight. Started working out, running and weights. Now I'm in boot camp. I love weight watchers, don’t get me wrong. I've been at this for over a year, trying to hit the "100lb" mark.. I still intend to.. well more actually. I don’t know where but I'll know when I get there. I've been counting calories nonstop for the last month, cut out booze (well mostly) and try to eat well.
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