Nerves

Are setting in.
I'm nervous cuz I felt like I couldn't get full today, I just kept eating.
Fuck fuck.

Side note:
Buddy came with to Costco for gas and he wouldn't stop starring at her (laughed at him, cute eh) fog on window and all.
Tonight.. He has NOT quit barking= hard night for patience!

Rough Run

Holy Hell.
Had check out today in boot camp- 5k run, 2 mile bike and 250m row. It was... well seemed harder than check in but somehow managed to do better.... what the..-
So ok my speed was higher but it just seemed harder- like not my legs, not my heart.. my fricken brain. I got this raging headache about a mile and a half in and it was hard to focus on not falling ha. God I felt like a fail.

Hopped on the scale after.. w/jeans and it's saying 175.6 so I'm not going to eat tonight. If that's what I weigh after burning 640 calories then I'm not on track for a good week. I'm going to officially hop on tomorrow morning in scrubs and in the a.m. to shoot for an accurate reading haha.

Ryan and I went to pick up our good friend Mary.. Jane, last night. Ryan and her chilled last night as I crashed. I felt like crap this morning when I woke up.. so I called in. I took a short nap, ran over to get the paper work for a piss test to get this second job- the clinic I went to was a total joke- over an hour wait! boo
Well, now that that's done I'm free to befriend Mary again- we had a 5 week falling out.
After that super shitty workout and this brain ache I'm thinking we're gonna go ahead and chill tonight actually.

Crack my ass up

Per article..

Rolling

My emotions in a joint and lightin that bitch up.

Ok here's the deal, my ww leader that weighed me in yesterday started drilling Qs at me since I've been "losing too fast' or some shit. Is that even real? Nope not in my book so back the fuck off.
Am I supposed to appologize?
I'm 22 (a friggin clear-all for fast weight loss) I'm learned to manage my self control and maintain my motivation. I trick my body in my workouts so it continues coming off. I still have a shit ton to lose => just comes off easier. I cut booze (to a scary restriction I may add) almost completely.
Just pisses me off.
So that's one of my tools for motivation. Meetings, someone ELSE weighing me in. Now I'm going to try to trick the system by wearing jeans and drink an ass load of water prior.

I need to convert to the scale at the gym. There's always bitches in the hot tub (anyone sitting in there has a perfect view to the scale reading) maybe I can start using that as my motivation?

Fuckin ww.. piss me off.


P.s. I'm so fired up when I wrote this, straight up choosing not to proof read. So there.

Thankful

For weight watchers. For jumping my loss into gear and getting my to my first 75lb loss.
I'm thankful for the burst of self control that has taken over.
I'm thankful for the support Ryan gives me to continue on.
I'm thankful for my wonderful mother that is my crutch when I'm ready to cripple over in frustration.
I'm thankful for the heart God gave me. Still ticking at 250lb, and with standing my workouts when it likely wanted to just quit. Don't worry heart, I will take care of you.

Thank you.

Oh and you know what, even with thanksgiving in there, still lost 2lb this week!

Nervous

About weigh in tomorrow morning. With thanksgiving and just blowing it this week I have a pit in my stomach that I gained- so I've really watched food intake today... Good god we'll see in 12 hrs... Hello Benadryl- Nyquil cocktail.

Thanksgiving

Fuck this holiday.
Well, fuck food.
Over ate, feel like shit, tired.

I'm ready for morning so I can hit the gym (closed @ 11 this morning until tomo) and get back to normal.

Ps thankful for family, friends, health and life. <3 Ryan & Buddy, so thankful for them!

Fucking Medal

I should get a fucking medal that is.
Someone brought this cake in to work that is from a mom-&-pop bakery.
Basically it's fantastic but I held what little self control I own to walk away.
I'm still thinking about it though.
Fuck you stupid cake.

Oh the possibilites..

Skimming through blogs and came across these pics... man it IS possible!
Pre-

& Post-


Well to kick off my day I hit the gym for a 460 calorie burn.. not the greatest but it'll do when I easily could have kept sleeping... ugh!
Why did I have to let myself get fat?
Stupid. Stupid. S.T.U.P.I.D.

Corey Taylor

Concert tonight- acoustic! Was so fun plus took my mind off snacking. I like to think I did well today: yogurt, v8, 4 chkn wings (breaded... Oops) and a fiberone brownie. Was so busy at work (surprise surprise.. No seriously). Skipped out on gym tho so up early for it tomo! 4-5 hr sleep starting.... NOW!

Epiphany?

Perhaps..
So I've decided I need to jump start my metabolism. No more being stupid with not eating. Well that's a lie, I will limit my intake. Basically, ww got me here, I need to trust the system. I need to trust that they got me here, they will get me to 134 or lower. It's all about eating correctly and exercise right?
Points points points..

Ok.
Breakfast: String cheese (2) (plus 2 fishoil caps, 2 prenatals, 1 biotin)
Snack 0 (oops.. :-/ )
Lunch: GG veggie bowl steamer (3)
Snack: yogurt
Snack: v8
Dinner: ?? I haven't decided, I need to decide because he will just want to go out- I'm thinking enchiladas actually- easy, filling, he'll have left overs. bingo! Plus then it wont be so weird if I eat something on my own time- something low points. 

Five-Oh

Todayyy..
I got up today feeling so shakey and nauseous but I can't imagine it'd be from not eating. I only say that because I did eat yesterday. Not a lot but still. It was pretty weird. I got up anyway and went to meeting- down 5lb! I was so HAPPY! brought me down to 174- not 175, but 174. That's 51 since May & 76 since my highest point.

Anyway, Ry and I ALWAYS go to brunch on Sundays after my meeting. It's just what we do- I had a cup of chicken chili a couple bites of his omelet.. and 3, yes 3 screw drives... vitamin c right?
Then we just went to his sister's place to see her new cat (2nd) god cats are annoying. In fact, she and her husband kind of are too so it was a long 2 hours. Ryan wanted dairy queen so I got that mini mint oreo- my absolute fav- had some tuna... I'll need to make sure I DEFINITELY go to the gym in the morning.
I would just love to have a high loss again- they get suspicious at meeting though if someone loses too fast- whatever. I don't own a scale- I guess I could start using the scale at the gym. The meetings are so helpful for support though and keep me focused on food choices.

So friggen cold- I hate minnesota. I never used to, apparently I had enough fat to help insulate. Found out last night Ryan's best friend is moving to Colorado. Ryan's bummin, in fact so am I. :(

Good day.

It was a good day today!

First, I have to tell a short story, a cute one.
Ryan went to bed early, I stayed up reading. When I finally went in to bed I crawled in and he, out of nowhere like woke up and was all "lovey" kissing and wrapping his arms around me- it's super out of character. I was like umm are you asleep? haha. He was said "I just love you". Thought that was so cute. I like to wish he'd be like that more often but I know expectations like that are unrealistic. His testosterone levels are so high-low depending on when we give the shot. yadda yadda.

Ok so didn't fuck up eats yesterday too bad, dinner with g-parents was ok. It was pizza (I knew going in) but it was the cute company MN produced (grandparents are obsessed w/). Anyway Ry's sis and husband were there too (surprise to me). I don't see them much- even thought I should. They said just as I figured, "you're sure losing weight" "getting tiny" blah blah. Don't humor me, I know I'm not tiny, I know I am losing weight. It's not good enough, I want tiny, that's what I'm striving for.
Whatever I had a slice of pizza, could I not- didn't know it was going to be a fucking crowd over there.

This morning Ryan asked what I stayed up reading. I explained the blogs I've been reading -well partial truth- "weight struggles" mwuahaha ;-) Anyway, I went on to say I want my hip bones to pop. I want to feel comfortable in cute shirts, no muffin tops but tight jeans. There's so much I want, and honestly I think I've always wanted this but always thought it'd never happen for me.
Wrong.
It's going to.
It will for this girl right here.

Killer workout in boot camp this morning. Trainer asked how much weight I've lost since starting (oct 1st) he said it's noticeable in my face and neck... thanks? ya no it's good, I shouldn't be so dam negative but I want smallER.
Ate good... v8, 3 ritz crackers (~100) pre workout; 1/2 flat bread (55), string cheese (50). Very little actually now that I see it written out- BUT I'm a big girl, my body will feed on the fat.

P.s. Nice thought: Ryan loved me through my fattest. Greatest love ever. :-)

Thinspired?

Just yesterday I started reading a load of blogs of the thin. God how I wish I could be there. It's so motivating and inspiring.


Can this be me please?
I can't believe how much weight I have to lose before I can even been seen realistically as someone attempting Ana. It's going to be so gross when I finally do get down. I will have nasty, ishy skin. It will be so gross.
Anyway, I'm going to keep trying. Stop eating. Cut every calorie I can come up with. God I hate Thanksgiving. It's gonna be a test for sure. It's like something come over me, food is my drug. I binge like a monster, at the time I think "oh it'll be fine I don't care I just want it so bad" then I get done, I'm fucking pissed. Just PISSED. I've purged here and there, but Ryan gets so mad about it. I can't let him know, he doesn't want anything to happen... blah blah. I want to be thin so bad, why does this take so long!?

Heavy boot camp tomorrow, must sleep early before morning class.

Today.

Is Friday. FRIDAY! Right? Just doesn’t seem like Friday today. My boot camp classes make time fly so fast. Speak of the devil, I signed up last night to a locked in $125/mo for 12 months- thank lordy! I need these classes, I look forward to my class. Who would have guessed I like to push my body? I never did sports or anything growing up, guess I didn’t know what I was missing. Ryan was ok with letting my sign up for a year, being he signed up for the gym and  a monthly trainer and never went… for 7 months. Rip off! Ugh whatever, he’s maintained his weight so I’m proud of him.

Ryan and I have had some rough patches here and there. I get so annoyed with him I look for ways to escape- go to my parents, take buddy for a walk.. a long long walk. Now that it’s getting so cold I haven’t been walking far with Buddy, he gets cold, and I get colder!

I was reading other people’s blog today, so inspiring to stay focused. I badly want to be thin, I’ve never been thin. My family is not thin, Ryan’s family is not thin. I want that, that’s what I want.

Thin thin thin.

Ryan and I are going to have pizza with his grandparents today, his mom said grandma doesn’t look good. She was recently in the hospital. I love that old woman as if she was my own grandmother, if/when she does die, it will just kill Ryan. He loves her to death.

My food today:

Yogurt (70)

3 quakes (25)

Plan… veggie bowl (90)

Flat bread (110)

And #1 slice pizza.. ugh! That’s ok I should be able to burn that off at the gym either later tonight or tomorrow am for sure.

I don’t own a scale (thank god) and my locker at the gym in downstairs- the scale is upstairs. I have weight watchers meetings to give me good/bad news. I really enjoy my weight watchers meetings, it’s like everyone has the same food problems and I do- but I feel I’ve got a hold on how to manage those problems… don’t eat em. Easy as that right? as long as I can stay head strong. My leader isn’t suspicious of my non-eating habits lately because I keep telling her my boot camp class is always tricking my body, I’m only 22 I lose weight fast- that kind of thing. I mean now that I feel so knowledgable about weight watchers and what they teach you, I try to act like I know what to do- which I do know what to do. I just choose not to, I think not eating so much will help me lose faster. I’m winning ;)

As I continue rambling about anything/everything.

I just want to say, I am really in love with my “soul-mate” as cliché as that sounds. We have our ups and downs like anyone. He really gets me though, I can’t imagine someone else would ever be so perfect for me. that stupid saying “he’s not perfect but he’s perfect for me” yup- that’s him.

He doesn’t like to talk about his feelings, but I know. He occasionally says things like “I don’t like to be verbal about it but I do love you, even if I don’t show it or say it”. It bothers me that he doesn’t say he loves me often, I don’t want to sound needy but I do LIKE to hear it. Like every girl.

I love that man. I want to be the girl he’s happy to show off (ei: smoking hot body!)

Number One. Lose it fatty.

Well here it is, the blog I keep thinking I need to tell what I think and vent- rather than venting and blowing to whoever else.

Basically at this point I've lost 70ish pounds- I hate to sound like I don't know where I came come… but seriously how did I let myself get to that point?

I "do weight watchers" when really I try to just eat small amounts, drink booze, and workout. The more I workout, the more I LOVE it. It's a boot camp class I do 3 times a week and then I try to do cardio 2-3 additional days. I love how my heart pumps the blood, I get tired, but feel so good after. Endorphins? Yes, I'll have a double shot of that please.

Everyone always asks "what do you do" blah blah- I hate that people notice. I mean it's good but I hate attention, and explaining it all the time. Hopefully now that I've done it a lot I won't have to much longer, they'll all kind of know I'm doing. Explanation can be over soon.

A friend of mine used to be relatively over weight like me, then she went off to college, I went, we came back at xmas and the girl had dropped like 30lb. A mutual friend told me she decided to only eat #1 pack ramon noodles and then booze it up. Valid I would say, she looks AMAZING. I did let that be my 'ah-ha' moment, I let the weight keep packing on. I met Ryan (my now fiance), he loves to eat. Basically I hit 250lb before joining ww.

I legitimately followed the program, started dropping the weight. Started working out, running and weights. Now I'm in boot camp. I love weight watchers, don’t get me wrong. I've been at this for over a year, trying to hit the "100lb" mark.. I still intend to.. well more actually. I don’t know where but I'll know when I get there. I've been counting calories nonstop for the last month, cut out booze (well mostly) and try to eat well.