FML

Ok. Talk about taking a few steps backwards.
Let's see I'm gonna start fresh here- I joined the Air Force- surprise right. Well I came in at about 150 toward the end of April.. I gained like 12lb in basic-- some say muscle I say a pound is a pound... whatever.
Now I'm in tech school and gained another 15ish pounds!!!
All this hard work that it took to get me here has literally just gone out the friggin window.
I've cried an ASS LOAD no lies.
So I've hit the reset button. I'm going to attempt no gimics and do my weight watchers thing. It's so hard to fit in PT b/c my day is literally accounted for from 430am to 530pm... by the time night rolls around I'm so tired I can hardly think.
My mom and I are going to email each other our weights in the morning, I'm frightened because I feel like a fat cow. I guess I like it here that I can ramble on about my weight and noone reads it- well noone I know at least.
I'm hopeful this will help me stay accountable... blah

I want to cry.

Exploring

Another blog site. Tumblr. I like it.

I'm also exploring how far I can push this. If I can really fall down in weight.
I want to know if I continue to fast, and I drop the weight... will my skin go away?
How did I let myself get so fat?
Why would I let myself do that?
I guess that's why it's the past and I move forward.

Rut?

Is this a rut?
Am I depressed?
Just a bad day?

I should really be writing this all down.
All this BS running through my head.

I'll start with the whole metabolism thing.
Should I be freaked out that I could kill my metabolism permanently?
I'm kind of nervous but... well I love not eating.
I love that it saves money.
I love that I feel so good about myself if I can stay strong enough to get through.
I love the sense of control I have.
I love those bursts of "dizzy air" in my head when I stand or turn fast.
I love not having to go to the bathroom.. that's fuckin awesome.

I have a lot of fat to lose. I'll continue not eating. I read on one of those pro-ana sites about the kids in Africa do it, I should be able, too.

Ryan and I are talking actual marriage and wedding shit now. I need to get my fat ass down in weight before that.
I don't want a wedding. I hate being center of attention. I want court house style, vegas, elope.. something easy. Oh I'm not a planner either so just hurry and do it is easiest.
I think we're getting our license on Tuesday.

Love Life.

So Ryan and I haven't been the greatest lately.
I'd say it's basically my fault- I'll own up to it.
Basically I've been getting all wrapped up in the weight loss thing after starting boot camp back in October. Was gone a lot and he was to fend for himself when it came to dinner. Then I was getting tired, in turn got bitchy and annoyed. Now I have a second job that takes from us.
His testosterone levels are rock bottom so the sex is... well not regular. And I have needs goddammit!

A "couple-friend" we know split. They've been married for a couple few years maybe now and he moved out. It's a pretty fucked up situation. He works 2 jobs to support them while she didn't work but smoked pot all the time. He hated it. She finally got a job and only went part time! UNreal. The girl's a joke. She started losing weight and being super vocal about it- like posting losses on FB and her always going to Zumba. Sweet right? She's still fat- I think hovering the 190's. I'm not one to talk, I get that but I was fat at 190 too.

Anyway, my focus is on us. Our happiness, or at least his.
He's been there through all my shit and still puts up with it.
So basically I'm going to be the cute little perfect wife that I should be.
I will be a skinny hot bitch. (my second priority to him.. SKINNY)
I will cook dinner each night.
I will clean when I'm tired.
I will breath before I start bitching.
I will listen when he vents about work.
I will sit through a movie, even when my a-d-d is itching.
I will balance. I will find the balance.

I am in love with him. I can't be stupid enough to fuck with that can I?

Side note.. we need make up sex.
Hell I just need sex.
His levels are KILLING me.

Nives Darling

<3 her
I've just gotten an ass load of tips/info from a gal I work with. She's from Germany, super high fashion type woman.. in her day a smokin hottie. Anyway, people at work used to comment how she doesn't eat and is goofy about her weight. I've come to appreciate her. She always encouraged me along this weight loss marathon. Now that I'm starting to actually notice the 5lb here and there- so is she. She's been giving me tips on workouts to try at the health club (we go to the same chain- diff locations).
Today, I didn't wear my lab coat. I'm just in a shirt since all my clinics are closed for MLK it's a catch up day for me. So whatever people are like whoa you're still losing. It's like yep- get used to it, I will be for a while.

Anyway, Nives stands about 5'8 she said her low weight was 120. She didn't tell me how much she weighs now but she did say she's up.. she got rid of the clothes she got to fit in then. She wants to lose another 5-10lb.
Does she know I'm trying to be like her? Does she know any more than me attempting to lose the weight?
Whatever. She's happy for me. She does it. Not as intense but she wont eat carbs- only straight from the ground veggies and fruits. Lean protein only after a hard workout.

I was able to ask her questions about how she cooks for her husband and if he thinks it's weird she doesn't eat with him and where she finds the energy to get in the gym on days you're just so tired.

So happy I was able to talk to her and she was so open about the idea of me dropping 30 or more.
Everyone else thinks that sounds crazy.
I love that she's supportive of the idea.
<3

Cleanse.

I guess that's what this is called right?
Basically I rolled out of work pseudo early to hang with Mr Bud. We chilled on the couch with my heated blanket, Miss J, and Sex and the City.. he chewed a new bone.
I ate my apples and peanut butter then Ryan and I went to dinner- I felt so guilty about eating the fries and cheese curds I swallowed 6 pills that... well cleanse.
I'm feeling more and more empty. I'm loving it.
Water, tea- water, tea.

I work W tonight til 10, so that always helps from eating at night.
Night is the hardest- I want to binge.
Blah here's to making up for fucking fried food last night.

Working

Another day, another dollar right.
So I work solid next 14 days. If not one job the other or both.
Just as I was thinking of quitting this retail shit... They throw a paycheck at me. Bastards. So now I'm like work hungry. God I love money.
5 more hours of my 10 for today.

Restricting is working. It's fucking working awesome.
Here I was up from a drinking frenzy and I cut cut cut.... Vwahlah! Down today @ ww. So I'm at 157- @ 155 (or lower) for 6 weeks and it becomes free. I become lifetime. I'm cool with that! Then when I decide to do things correctly it'll be paid for :)

Ryan and I went to my fv Xmas party last night... He had a few, I drove.
We got home and he laid down. I crawled up next to him and we laid there for a while we listened to my music. He was all sweet how he was running his fingers across my skin. Kept going across my hips (I'm all excited for the bones to pop more). It was cute. I love him.
After, we hung w/miss J. And I didn't listen to her telling me how good everything would taste. She's such a brat.
I can't believe I went from being up like 1.4 on Wednesday to down 2.8 today. Granted I'm fuxking my metabolism... It's fine. I have ww to fall back on right?

Tuna

From a can reminds me of cat food.
My mini can is a wopping 80 calories and packed with protien.
I can now take my vitamins (I have a puke issue when I don't eat with pills).
80c as of 1:30 pm.
Hoping to hold out at 80c for the rest of the day... we'll see.

I'm feeling full. Tired today. But full


Addition: A girl that works in the OP pharm- who I used to be like oh you know like 60lb fatter than.. apparently she told J that she wants to catch up to me. I passed that bitch! I passed a bunch of bitches at work. Suckers. God I feel good about that.
Side note: A guy Ryan works with- haven't seen him since early summer. Yep seen him yesterday he said I don't look like the same person. It makes me feel good when a GUY says something. Notices.
HA! Eat shit fat pounds.

Happy Birthday?

Or congrats on another year- now lets drink.

I'm regretting my 3 day bender. Drinking like a fish is so fun in the moment but oh how I'm regretting it today.

I feel like a sausage stuffed with fat choices. Why do I do this to myself?

A light went off in my head this morning. Driving in to work I realized how much I liked waking up in the morning and feeling empty. I never really thought about it before. It had always been 'something' that needed to be done to lose weight faster. Its like whoa is this what they feel? Is this why they can't help but not eat? Am I like them now? The feeling I'm craving is so much stronger than a craving for food. I've never experienced this before.

I'm not going to eat today. I'm going to tell Ryan that the girls took me to lunch at noodles. And that I ate the chicken with mac and cheese. It's close to the most fattening thing on the menu. I keep lying to him. I can't help it. He needs to think I'm eating healthy. He needs to think I'm following ww. He needs to think I'm only losing 1lb a week. He needs to think I'm being truthful about it all. I try to seem frustrated that I have low numbers on the scale. It's interesting cuz he's so supportive of the "only one pound a week" complaining I do... it's really been about 3lb a week. Not great but I'll take it. I've been really good about not saying exactly how much I weigh. Then there's no chance he'll do the math and catch my lie.

He's funny though, I know he'll like me at my goal. He can't even hide that he's liking the hips come in to play. you can feel them now without digging. I can't wait until you see them. I can't wait until more and more of this pays off.

New drug: Empty. That feeling is as addicting as my booze- but far better pay out.

Fxck

I'm drunk.
I'm trying to hold this together but basically I went to a bday dinner (for me) with Ryans parents and Ryan.
We get home to no contact solution.
I get yelled. Ryan takes off. I cry because just hours ago at church they spoke about relationships.
Ours is on the path to.... Well shit hole. Or destruction... Whatever.
I'm ready to sleep.

Fuxk love. I'm convinced it's all for show.

Nerves.

Are taking over my stomach.
I'm not hungry. Or so I'm telling myself.. My tummy makes a grumble but I've been telling myself it's nothing.

Pretty sure Ryan knows I'm barely eating.
He keeps making jabs at me about it.
Makes me nervous that he really does get it.
Makes me nervous he'll tell someone else.
Makes me nervous that he's not proud of me.
What if not eating upsets him more than me being skinny turns him on?

I don't care. I'm doing this for me. For my self esteem. For free weight watchers membership.
I'll learn about being healthy later.

Worrkkk

Fo tha money.
I've worked a lot of overtime this last week. which is good for us and the bank account.
The wag has been just chaos the last week when I go in for those few hours here and there.

Working so much keeps me busy and my tummy empty.
I lied to Ryan about how much I lost this week at weight watchers.
I can't believe I did it. I made steps toward hiding this eating thing. HE was the one person I hadn't been lying to about losses. I didn't even tell my mom I went to ww. It's fine though.
I tell myself it's fine because we'll all benefit when I can get my weight in check. Plus Ryan never remembers how much I weigh or have lost. It'll be easy to say nothing at all or lie slightly each time something is brought up.

Staying late at work (fv) tonight since Joseph is STILL sick.. that alone is 4.5 hours OT. plus the 5 from Saturday. I've got the info to study for the ASVAB though so I'll have something to do after the boss leaves- generally around 4.
I officially made an acct for the guards. Only like 5 more pounds and I can officially apply. I'll likely enlist for 6 years since you have to commit for 6 to 8 years for them to help with student loans. I still need to talk with the recruiter but it should go well I'd assume.
It's something that needs to be done. Just like losing the weight- and continuing to do so.


Side note: spoke with a recruiter- not eligible until spring next year 2013 because I was medicated in the past.
I feel let down. :(