Rut?

Is this a rut?
Am I depressed?
Just a bad day?

I should really be writing this all down.
All this BS running through my head.

I'll start with the whole metabolism thing.
Should I be freaked out that I could kill my metabolism permanently?
I'm kind of nervous but... well I love not eating.
I love that it saves money.
I love that I feel so good about myself if I can stay strong enough to get through.
I love the sense of control I have.
I love those bursts of "dizzy air" in my head when I stand or turn fast.
I love not having to go to the bathroom.. that's fuckin awesome.

I have a lot of fat to lose. I'll continue not eating. I read on one of those pro-ana sites about the kids in Africa do it, I should be able, too.

Ryan and I are talking actual marriage and wedding shit now. I need to get my fat ass down in weight before that.
I don't want a wedding. I hate being center of attention. I want court house style, vegas, elope.. something easy. Oh I'm not a planner either so just hurry and do it is easiest.
I think we're getting our license on Tuesday.